Hey, can a guy get a lil’ bit of help over here? Things ain’t going so well for me no more. Feels like I’m in the southside of Chicago back in the day! There are dudes coming after me from all directions…taking pictures of me, sizing me up.Hey I’m not paranoid, it’s really true. I know, I know, my mama always told me that my choices were goin’ to get me into trouble one day, but man, things were goin so good. I thought I was a contenda!
But let me back up and tell ya how I got myself into this mess. Ya see, I was looking for some new digs and I came across this place. It seemed perfect. It’s a bit old, 80,, so I figured it would be pretty easy to get into and it was. Not so shabby. Got myself moved in, snuggled around my favorite little pancreas, wrapped myself in some blood vessels to keep me warm and started checkin’ out the hood.
Figured no one would even suspect I was here. Figured, I could take over the place, like I used to do back in the day. Had all my plans in place. I’d call in some of my ole friends from back in the hood and we could be up and running in these new digs in no time. Hell, we’d own it, no problems.
Dude next door is a soft kind of guy, doesn’t even have a fence. Weird name…I think it Liver or somethin. I planned to make him an offer he couldn’t refuse. There’s a couple of twins, the lung guys just to the north, I figured I’d let those guys alone for a while…they seem to have some people. Things were moving along smoothly. Sure, I was causing some problems but no one suspected me….or so I thought.
Never thought my human would get suspicious. I just can’t mind my own business though. You can’t move into a new neighborhood without causing some issues. Well, maybe I did get a little carried away. It was when I ruined the tomatoes with stomach pain that my human started to ask questions. Even when I took her chocolate addiction and milk away, I stayed under the radar. Where I got into trouble is when I started to stretch out just a bit, I bumped into the wrong nerve; you know the one that makes their back hurt every time they lie down. Hey, how was I supposed to know that this human loves massages and facials and was a back sleeper. Snatching those away REALLY pissed her off! That’s when things started going to the dogs for me.
Next thing you know there’s police and detectives all over the neighborhood! They started asking questions, poking and prodding and taking pics from every angle. I hid when I could, I ducked and swerved, avoiding every one of them. They kept chasing shadows; they were chasing some dude named GERD and another guy they were tracking was reflux, man they really went after him. But still they didn’t suspect me.
That is until they brought in the big guns. They hired this detective known only by initials, he called himself GI. He seemed to be able to sniff me out just by reputation. He set a trap and I fell right into it. It was this thing called CA19-9. I guess he could find me by the trail I left behind. My mistake was being a tough guy. The bigger, the stronger, the higher the number. Maybe if I wasn’t such a showoff, they would not have found me, at least not so soon. I shoved that number clear to the sky! I was pushing 3600 when they finally found me out. You see when us tumors are healthy we get pretty excited and we dump this stuff right into our human’s bloodstream and this GI detective guy knew to find me by measuring it. They found my hideout! They even gave me a name. They called me pancreatic cancer but my human just called me bastard!
I was still a contenda though; I had a lot going for me. My opponent was old, didn’t know what to expect and I had scared the hell out of her. Boy was I wrong! Do you know this lady went out and bought a punching bag and had the nerve to name the thing tumor? Every time she walks by she thinks of me and takes a punch at it. Humans are so strange; this seems to make her feel stronger and more determined to smash me for real. I’ve been taking over hoods for a long time….I know what I’m doin’. It ain’t goin’ to be so easy to get rid of me. I was still in it to win it; a contenda for sure!
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